And the fat goes round and round....

Ok, so this weight loss thing is not happening as well as I want it to. I think I lost a few lbs, but not nearly as much as I hoped I would lose by now. My birthday is quickly approaching, and my diet has kinda gone to the shit hole. I also have not been able to hit the gym as much as I would like. I'm graduating soon, I won't even be able to have the luxory of my great gym at school and I've not been using it. A lot of has been due to school. My campaigns class is getting hectic, group members wanna meet all the time now, and exams are using up most of my time. However, that doesn't excuse me from my bad eating habits...the other day i bought myself a box of cookies! Cookies!!!? what the crap!!!? why would I do that? It's like sabatoge. Ugh...I dunno why I do this to myself, sometimes I just feel like I'll never get to the weight I want so might as well eat what I want! But, I know I'm not healthy right now and I'm not happy...I feel like my life is so limited by my weight right now and I don't want to do things that I would normally want to do if I was smaller. I don't want to go on vacation, I don't want to go shopping, I don't want to do anything, but eat, and feel like an ass afterwards...I really need to get into gear, this is not making my life better. I feel like i'm suffocating myself to death w/ my fat...I really need stop this, only I can do it, I really need to do this for myself, I'm worth it! I need to believe that to become the size I want and need to be.

New plan

Ok, so here's the new plan and this time I'm going to stick to it. If i don't i'm going to punish myself by shaving my head. And I mean it, if i don't stick to my plan (I don't want to call it a diet because diets are temporary and prone to ending and changing) I'm goin to lose 15-2olbs by my birthday. Preferable 20, but 15 will be satisfactory. If I don't reach this goal then I will have my head shaved. I mean it, this must happen. I need to get healthy, I need to lose weight, and I need to not feel tied down by own body. I mean god, how sad and pathetic does that sound. I can't progress forward in my life because of my own body. Seriously, being a volunteer prisoner in my own skin is pretty much hell and I need to get out of it. I'm also pretty sure that this weight gain has done something to me psychologically. I'm moodier, i'm depressed, I don't care about life as much as i used, i constantly think i look bad so getting dressed up is really pain ful and i don't like doing it. It's like who cares if i buy this really cute dress and get all dolled up, i'm still a whale. I feel less confident and feel like people have the right to talk down on me and walk all over me because i'm fat and look like a bum. Seriously, after hearing that my bitch team mate Krista talked so much shit about me to my other team member I was seriously pissed, but then I thought about it and i actually convinced myself that I couldn't blame her for saying those things about me because i look likea fat slob. I acutally made that excuse for, when she's really just a snobby, ignorant, blond, dumbass bitch. And there is no excuse for that, she just is what she is. I know my self image is hindering me from becoming everything I can be, and truly reaching my full potential in all aspects of life. There are so many things I wanna do, places I wanna go, people I want to meet and I literally am limiting myself and ruining those chances for myself by being trapped in my own body. I feel trapped, literally trapped, I want to be free and I know I'm the only one who can free myself, and i'm constantly so mad at myself because I know I was the one that trapped myself in the first place and I have full power in setting myself free. It is a hell that I live in, me right now, feeling like this, being like this, it is hell and i need to free myself. As i slowly get older I know i'm slowly losing my chance at becoming everything I can be, i want to take control of my life I want to be confident, I want to be free and all these wants of mine will over come my weight and my overeating it will, it has too, or I'll have no hair...

I wish I could hate food...

So, I have completely fallen off the diet band wagon this week. School, work, stress has taken it's toll, working out has been shoved to the back end of the bus, and watching what I need to eat has taken a back seat to quick and convenient foods. Ugh....I hate it, it's like I'm doing good for a few weeks and then the minute some kind of imbalance, or stressor comes along it turns it upside down. It sucks, sometimes I wish I could get an eating disorder, as horrible as that sounds, or maybe a tapeworm in my stomach? Or some sort of outside force that makes it so I can't eat, or eat wayy less...I remember when I was super depressed in Corvallis I lost so much weight! Food was just unappealing, and now that I'm not in sucha depressing setting, food has come back w/ a vengence. Ugh. I know it's not food, it's me, I know it is I who needs to control my hand that reaches for that pastry, or fry, or drink, or (fill in the blank), but sometimes it really feels like this is above me, like I'm disconnected to my body, and I'm watching myself slowly eat to death. Thank goodness I'm an active person, or active enough to maintain my fattiness, I haven't gained anymore weight, but the weight I have gained in the past 3 years or so is no joke. It's scary and I know it's hindering me from who and what I really want to be and do in my life. I just need to light that fire under my ass and get cooking...well not in the sense of food....ugh....