And the fat goes round and round....

Ok, so this weight loss thing is not happening as well as I want it to. I think I lost a few lbs, but not nearly as much as I hoped I would lose by now. My birthday is quickly approaching, and my diet has kinda gone to the shit hole. I also have not been able to hit the gym as much as I would like. I'm graduating soon, I won't even be able to have the luxory of my great gym at school and I've not been using it. A lot of has been due to school. My campaigns class is getting hectic, group members wanna meet all the time now, and exams are using up most of my time. However, that doesn't excuse me from my bad eating habits...the other day i bought myself a box of cookies! Cookies!!!? what the crap!!!? why would I do that? It's like sabatoge. Ugh...I dunno why I do this to myself, sometimes I just feel like I'll never get to the weight I want so might as well eat what I want! But, I know I'm not healthy right now and I'm not happy...I feel like my life is so limited by my weight right now and I don't want to do things that I would normally want to do if I was smaller. I don't want to go on vacation, I don't want to go shopping, I don't want to do anything, but eat, and feel like an ass afterwards...I really need to get into gear, this is not making my life better. I feel like i'm suffocating myself to death w/ my fat...I really need stop this, only I can do it, I really need to do this for myself, I'm worth it! I need to believe that to become the size I want and need to be.

New plan

Ok, so here's the new plan and this time I'm going to stick to it. If i don't i'm going to punish myself by shaving my head. And I mean it, if i don't stick to my plan (I don't want to call it a diet because diets are temporary and prone to ending and changing) I'm goin to lose 15-2olbs by my birthday. Preferable 20, but 15 will be satisfactory. If I don't reach this goal then I will have my head shaved. I mean it, this must happen. I need to get healthy, I need to lose weight, and I need to not feel tied down by own body. I mean god, how sad and pathetic does that sound. I can't progress forward in my life because of my own body. Seriously, being a volunteer prisoner in my own skin is pretty much hell and I need to get out of it. I'm also pretty sure that this weight gain has done something to me psychologically. I'm moodier, i'm depressed, I don't care about life as much as i used, i constantly think i look bad so getting dressed up is really pain ful and i don't like doing it. It's like who cares if i buy this really cute dress and get all dolled up, i'm still a whale. I feel less confident and feel like people have the right to talk down on me and walk all over me because i'm fat and look like a bum. Seriously, after hearing that my bitch team mate Krista talked so much shit about me to my other team member I was seriously pissed, but then I thought about it and i actually convinced myself that I couldn't blame her for saying those things about me because i look likea fat slob. I acutally made that excuse for, when she's really just a snobby, ignorant, blond, dumbass bitch. And there is no excuse for that, she just is what she is. I know my self image is hindering me from becoming everything I can be, and truly reaching my full potential in all aspects of life. There are so many things I wanna do, places I wanna go, people I want to meet and I literally am limiting myself and ruining those chances for myself by being trapped in my own body. I feel trapped, literally trapped, I want to be free and I know I'm the only one who can free myself, and i'm constantly so mad at myself because I know I was the one that trapped myself in the first place and I have full power in setting myself free. It is a hell that I live in, me right now, feeling like this, being like this, it is hell and i need to free myself. As i slowly get older I know i'm slowly losing my chance at becoming everything I can be, i want to take control of my life I want to be confident, I want to be free and all these wants of mine will over come my weight and my overeating it will, it has too, or I'll have no hair...

I wish I could hate food...

So, I have completely fallen off the diet band wagon this week. School, work, stress has taken it's toll, working out has been shoved to the back end of the bus, and watching what I need to eat has taken a back seat to quick and convenient foods. Ugh....I hate it, it's like I'm doing good for a few weeks and then the minute some kind of imbalance, or stressor comes along it turns it upside down. It sucks, sometimes I wish I could get an eating disorder, as horrible as that sounds, or maybe a tapeworm in my stomach? Or some sort of outside force that makes it so I can't eat, or eat wayy less...I remember when I was super depressed in Corvallis I lost so much weight! Food was just unappealing, and now that I'm not in sucha depressing setting, food has come back w/ a vengence. Ugh. I know it's not food, it's me, I know it is I who needs to control my hand that reaches for that pastry, or fry, or drink, or (fill in the blank), but sometimes it really feels like this is above me, like I'm disconnected to my body, and I'm watching myself slowly eat to death. Thank goodness I'm an active person, or active enough to maintain my fattiness, I haven't gained anymore weight, but the weight I have gained in the past 3 years or so is no joke. It's scary and I know it's hindering me from who and what I really want to be and do in my life. I just need to light that fire under my ass and get cooking...well not in the sense of food....ugh....

cream puff of death.......

Ugh, I cannot believe I gave into the yummy, sugar cream puff maddness. I already ate a giant pita pit and then I had to go and indulge upon my sweet tooth. It was just $1.00 and looked oh so yummy. Even worse, it had chocolate cream inside, soo tasty, yet so evil. I'm so frusterated w/ my self, i keep a food journal, I'm taking nutrition class, and working out as much as i can, yet I do this to myself and set myself back from my goals. I'm so mad at me! Why can't I just say no to tasty delights! I wanna lose weight soo bad and it's honestly something that I've been battling w/ for so long, I'm just angery that I let myself get this big and even angerier that i'm not hauling ass to get rid of all this extra weight. I'm so weak, i wish i could be sent to boot camp and just have someone kick my ass for a month to get myself in gear. It's so frusterating to feel burdened by your own body, or feel like I can't wear the things I wanna wear, or not like to go shopping cuz I feel it would be a waste of time, since nothing would look good on me anyway. I'm tired of feeling so fat and ugly and yet I eat the cream puff... i seriously need to stop and get it together. A couple of weeks being strict on myself isn't good enough. I need to get off the fatty, cream puff wagon! ugh~

When is enough, enough?

It seems like my life is going full steam ahead into the new year and everything in my life seems to be changing and pulling forward except for one aspect of it.
It seems like no matter how hard I try my relationship with Mo is coming to a stagnant, dead end. I don't want it to be this way, I know how much I love the guy and how much I've tried to make us work but he doesn't seem like he wants to give me what I need, want and deserve. It just seems so unfair, I know I pick at him a lot at times, and that sometimes it seems like I'm nagging him for things that seem trivial, but we're in a long distance relationship and it's important that we keep up with ourselves. It's important to stay IN love and I know I'm trying so hard to make it so we don't loose the "fire" in what we have but if he says he doesn't want to give into me, or that he doesn't feel the chemistry to want to give me affection then where do we really stand? Is it really just time to call it quits? Is it over now? Sometimes I just feel like I don't know how to let go, he's so much apart of my life and I love him in so many ways, but I just know that it's not fair for me to be in relationship that's just half-assed on his side. When you really love someone, but it's just not working, when do you say enough is enough? I just want a fresh start for this new year, I want to become healthy body, mind, and spirit and I feel like I can never be truly healthy if this relationship keeps staying the way it is...He wants time to "think" I said I wouldn't wait, but I know I will. A part of me hates myself for being like this, so dependent and wanting him, another part of me knows that being with him has made me better, and has taught me so much. I want to stay with him, while a part of me says enough's enough, you're young and theres lots of other guys out there. Yes that's true but there's only one Mo, and I do love him...So back to that ever incompromising question, if you really love eachother, but it just isn't working, when is enough, enough?